Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry is full of—or well…contains some highly qualified professors dedicated to either enriching their students’ lives or ending them. But does their magical expertise translate into the real world? What kinds of jobs might these people have gotten if they hadn’t landed a gig at a prestigious school of magic.
What if we plucked these characters straight out of the Harry Potter universe and forced them to get real jobs? Some are probably exactly what you’d expect, but there are a few that might have taken a very different path in our own mundane world.
Lupin - Teacher
Lupin doesn’t get to be a professor very long. He’s forced out of his position as Defense Against the Dark Arts professor after his little werewolf condition is leaked, and he chose to leave rather than face the backlash. That’s unfortunate, because he’s easily one of the most competent professors the class has seen in ages and he isn’t even evil! We think Lupin deserves a chance to really shape the minds of some young students.
He should be able to use his gifts for teaching in the real world where, as far as we know, werewolves don’t exist.
Trelawney - Independent Wellness Consultant
Trelawney sells essential oils. Honestly, look at her. She’s dripping with “let me show you my healing crystals” energy. She owns a little shop in a popular downtown area where you can buy peppermint oil and chunks of jade, where you can get her advice on the negative energy ruining your most recent relationship.
There might even be a sign in the window that says “Tarot Readings By Appointment”. Trelawney isn’t actually a fraud in the books, but doesn’t seem to recognize when she’s giving a real prophecy, so who knows if she really believes her brand of divination at all. But that won’t stop her from selling it to you.
Lockhart - Ghost Hunter
We’re envisioning Lockhart as the frontman for an online ghost-hunting series. He already uses his charisma and ability to weave a compelling narrative in the books, we’re just translating it into a more modern setting.
Of course, Lockhart doesn’t actually believe in ghosts. You wouldn’t be able to tell from his character, though; he’s even managed to convince a few skeptics that their local landmark is haunted. The show’s gimmick is, of course, that he asserts they’ve found hard evidence for the paranormal after every investigation.
Sprout - Gardener
This comes as no surprise. But really, her name is Sprout. She was kind of always destined to grow things. She probably runs an independent organic fruit and vegetable stand and shows up at the farmer’s market with the biggest tomatoes you’ve ever seen.
When it comes to plants, Sprout knows what she’s doing. She’s also not afraid to experiment with hybrids; any woman who can deal with a mandrake could probably crossbreed a juicier variety of apple. And if she grows a little something extra in her garden for herself, well, she is the head of Hufflepuff.
Hooch - Soccer Coach
Madame Hooch has mad competitive energy. We’re not talking children’s soccer matches here. She’s going to whip her team into shape and then she’s taking them to the big leagues.
She isn’t going to take any disrespect to her or her players. Honestly, she’d probably somehow teach them to commune with the soccer ball and invent a whole new strategy. She’s just that in tune with her sport, no matter what it is.
Hagrid - Zookeeper
Nothing, not even being born a Muggle, would strip Hagrid of his love for big and dangerous animals. And where better to fulfill that calling than at a zoo? Sure, maybe there aren’t any dragons or griffons (that we know of, he’ll always insist) but taking care of elephants and lions is just as rewarding.
Hagrid would be a great zookeeper because he’s so enthusiastic about his charges and would really put the time and effort into providing them the best possible environment and enrichment. He’s the guy you see in YouTube videos getting cuddled by deadly predators.
Moody - Pirate Radio Personality
Mad-Eye Moody definitely has some hot takes about the state of the world. Maybe not all of them are founded in research and fact, but by Merlin he sure believes them anyway. He knows that society is on a one way trip to Hell in a handbasket and only he knows how to stop it.
What better way to reach the ignorant masses than by broadcasting his many theories, conspiracies, and plans into the airwaves from his own private and illegal radio station. Tune in and he’ll tell you all about how to prepare your emergency bunker for the day the aliens comes.
Snape - Chef
Now the easy answer here is chemist because potions is a very precise art. But if you’ll recall, Snape doesn’t follow the recipes. He improvises, adds ingredients where he sees fit, and adjusts based on some kind of instinct about the way the parts will interact with each other. And you know what that sounds like to us? Cooking.
Snape strikes us as someone who endured years of cooking school and came out the other side with some very avant-garde ideas about food preparation. He’s always asserting that no one understands his genius and, if given a chance, will probably talk your ear off about the superiority of the French masters.
McGonagall - Show Cat Breeder
McGonagall is also one of the best professors in the school and maybe she even spent some time teaching in the past. But now she’s retired and can focus on her true passion: breeding pedigree cats. Listen, anyone who’s willing to spend the time and energy to register as a cat Animagus must really, really love cats. Barring that magical option, she’s perfectly willing to fill her life with her fuzzy children.
Can’t you just picture her and her prize Persian taking home a blue ribbon? She wins them all, of course; McGonagall’s a badass no matter what she’s doing.
Dumbledore - In Prison
Dumbledore is a war criminal. We don’t know what war he fought in sans the rise of the Dark Lord, but knowing him, he’s got his hands into something dirty. At his core, he’s a general moving his pieces around the field, making sacrifices when necessary—up to and including children.
Maybe that flies in the Wizarding World, but here, in reality, we have the power to lock him up and not risk him blasting through the walls with his magic spells. And he’ll deserve it.
